15 and the whales we pretend not to see

I wanted to write a valid post on a matter that I do not master, but that is all around us. Our entire lives.

The urge came, of course, from a piece of news that came across me about "games" that involved mutilations and suicide, from TV shows surrounding this subject, that curiously came at the same time.Will this be the manipulation people talk about? Does it exist? I believe so. And I believe that it has a negative effect, most of the times.

To be able to write this piece I did a little research and went about looking through the timelines of each one and inform myself, not to make a dissertation about it, but to be able to give my opinion on the matter. And if this can help at least one person, it was worth it.I would like to write to teenagers, which are the focal point and victims of all this. Either for being fragile, or, with so many news, for feeling muffled with so many questions and sudden control and because their parents, the adults, have all the experts writing about this and the signs and the measures to be taken... but I don't know if I can, if I know how to write for such a demanding audience, and so, I will just write...for all.

“13 Reasons Why “is the original title from a published book by Jay Asher in 2007 and in which the series was based on. It deals with the suicide of a young girl and the 13 reason that lead to it.

Regarding the "Blue Whale" we all know practically the same. There are the "curators" that at the request from fragile young people's profile to be a part of the game, make them fulfil 50 challenges that go from auto mutilation, to watching horror movies and that end up in ending their own lives. The challenges are, they tell, always launched at 4.20 a.m. and the mentors demand photographs or ask questions, to assure that the task was completed. It appeared in 2013, in Russia, maybe not yet in the form of "blue whale".

The name is thought to have arisen from a theory that studies the "behaviour" (still without a concrete explanation) that takes some blue whales, apparently healthy, headed for the shores, and eventually die. Some say that the "game" does not exist. Some say they have tried to enter groups and talk to these curators, real ones who make threats in case the tasks aren't completed and other "non-real" ones that are in these groups in order to discourage the ones trying to enter. I don't know if it is really important to entirely know the outlines and the ways to get to the curators or the way they interact. Maybe that it the authorities' assignment. The importance resides, from my point of view, in understanding if there are not these "administrators", there will be others, there will always be people who look at this "game" with an idea of replicating it and the concept, and new forms of the game will arise. Maybe there are already and we, the adults, are so focused on this one that we don't even notice their existence. If they exist and you are aware of it, please, report it. To your friends, parents, cousins, teacher, someone you trust and consider to be helpful.

We all know that there are bad people, poorly brought up, with severe mental issues that, although we don't know why, feed on these destructive behaviours provoked in others, generally very fragile.

We all know that there are these people who find themselves in extremely sensitive phases and every event and attitude can be consider a lifeguard or a weight on their feet.

This subject, having read about it and watching the show made me journey back to the past, to what now is called bullying, and think that everyone, with no exception, went through something like it, experienced or watched.

I always told a story that I thought to be funny...It took place at a birthday party, the ones from the 80/90's where we all went to someone's house, the lights were brought low and we danced to the called "slows". The girls were always eager to be called by cute boys to dance and I remember one of those pretty boys, with others watching, addressing one of the less successful girls and ask: "Do you want to dance?", and shed, without believing it still, answered shyly: "Yes." ... Of course, the band of boys burst out laughing with a "then go".

Yes, there are funny stories and we can't over dramatize everything. The truth is that we don't give dimension to something we see, and aren't able to not see through our eyes, our experiences, not even through the laughter of the girl after hearing that answer.

With this I mean that we can't be out looking for signals, because we will for sure find something, but we can't keep on thinking that things only happen at the house next door. Or in other neighbourhoods, or in other schools and with others who are not part of our group of friends.

When I started thinking about writing this post, I've questioned some parents and there wasn't a single one that didn't say "I know my children, they don't fit the profile...I would know...". I hope, obviously, that they're right. But is it that simple to understand? Are all the other parents and friends and teaches and health professionals that distracted? Yes, in many cases, but in many others, they are not.

When a few days ago I commented on this with a high school teacher, I became aware that she didn't know anything about the "game" or the show. And on this matter, she told me about an episode where a student asked to be excused so she could go to the bathroom in middle lesson. Unlike the usual, and attending to the student's urgency, she allowed it. After leaving the room, the girl's friends went to the teacher and explained that she was going to the bathroom so that she could cut herself with a blade, and for some time this was a "trend", at least within that school.

To be honest, I was left speechless and git, to the point that I couldn't ask any questions. Now I feel even more git.

I believe that friend (and even those who are not that friendly) should be vigilant. Trying to know if there is anything going on when someone feels different to you, or shows signals associated to bad thing (being sad, isolated, with different types of conversations, with frowning faces or even signals that they are hurting themselves) or witnessing scenes of "aggression", how little they may seem, most of all trying to understand, with that person, the effect those things have and if they tend to repeat, in which intensity. That is being a friend. As much as sometimes you don't feel like having that role. And it is easier to go to those who are funny and playful. But that attention can make a difference in the day of someone who is sad at that moment. Then it is necessary to follow the situation, even if from a far, and evaluate when to ask for an adult's intervention. In serious situations, you're not going behind anyone's back when you talk to an adult, may they be the parents, teachers, or any adult who can act on it, it can make a difference. Even at the risk of that "friend" hating us at that moment.

We all lack time. We all have our "jobs", our problems, our hobbies, but even within that shortage of time we need to find time to look out for others, to do for others, to understand others, to care for others.

In a society marked by how successful you are, it is hard to admit that you don't have it. The fear of failure cannot be greater than the rest. And there is no one who is in a constant state of success. Much less at an age so fragile and absorbent as a teenager.

And bullying cannot be only be acknowledged when a group of kids decides to record with their phones the physical aggressions that were incurred to other, in troubled neighbourhoods or schools.

Those, are many times the successful cases. Bullying can be not hearing a "good morning" back.

The show "13 Reasons Why" is a good one. (I hope they don't make a second season...but money is what drives us!)

It has good shots, good music, good actors. And everyone should watch it.

Teenagers because they are teenagers, adults because they were teenagers once and because they will have to deal with teenagers, sooner or later. Even if it seems like you won't have the patience, it will leave a mark on you and it can, who knows, be of importance.

There's always the arrogant behaviour that I am so familiar with, of looking to the side and pretending that they don't have anything to do with it. To sort kids as "retarded" because they were "lead to accept these types of things": Is it easier? Is it ignorance? Selfishness?

When I was a pre-teen a friend of mine, older, shot himself in the head and another one, years later, threw himself of a tall rock. I don't think I'm more interested in the subject because of it...

Watching the show may recall, as it did to me, that bullying always existed. That I suffered from it in one way or another, but what used to be episodes that would be lost in time, now can be fed for undetermined time in social media.

It is important to notice the smile and the willingness to continue of the main character, who appears to believe until she can't anymore that life is worth living. What happened that made her feel less and less able? What was the role of each before and after the tapes? Who hurt whom?

There is some controversy around what to do with this series. As in everything, I think there must be a balance, we should talk about the issues and this series, seems to me, ideal for discussing this.I ask myself if there is a vulnerable teenager reading this I wrote, that goes on watching some episodes and ends up feeling trapped. To what extent the vulnerability leads to the spreading of this type of behaviour? Please, tell me. To your best friend, the worst friend, the psychologist, to your parents, but say it! I wonder if kids who watch the series can feel guilty about certain behaviours. It will be, in this case, necessary to reassure them and forgive them and teach them. Not all adults are able to give that kind help. Keep that in mind. And don't give up asking for help.

If the show should have parental control, I don't know. There are explicit scenes that for young people, sometimes, are not easy to watch with adults... sexual abuse and some scenes that can be disturbing. Nevertheless, episodes can and should discussed. May this be a reason for conversations, that so often cease to exist.

Watch the show, exchange ideas, clarify doubts. And never minimize a situation which causes sadness. Understand it. And forward it if necessary.

There are entire families who believe that psychologists and psychiatrists aren't good for anything, and everything can be handled within "our" 4 walls. And others who think that only weak people and stupid and dumb are influenced by this so-called bullying, by these so called "games".

There is no parental control possible for this internet thing and its contents. Who wants to find, will do so. And who is unaware, should simply watch a half-dozen series to stay abreast of the "dark web" and the like (and so, in this case, it's a lot even), so it matters to have time, make time in time to understand what surrounds us, at home, at school, all around us, and want to have the availability and willingness to clear up and talk. Especially, to watch out for. To not wait around for news to come up so you can finally care, and think that something like this would never happen to you.

Outside Portugal has been a significant increase of the number of calls to support lines.

I leave a link with the contacts we have in Portugal (please lookout for the ones in your country):

http://www.spsuicidologia.pt/sobre-o-suicidio/telefones-uteis

To wrap up, do believe that it is good to be alive. But sometimes it isn`t so easy. But that everything bad always finds a way to improve itself. Everything will eventually pass. And if we allow ourselves to get help and help, we will have much more beautiful days.

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